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Archive for July, 2012

…such as a cure for Cancer.

You see, scientists recently completed a study that used various algorithms and research and doodads and whatnots to come up with some advanced findings in the all-important field of Housewife Porn.

Yes, ladies, you can finally unclench your kegel muscles — the geeks at the University of Central Lancashire in Britain, led by Dr. Faye Skelton, have used actual SCIENCE to determine what fictional S&M gazillionaire and underage torture connoisseur Christian Grey looks like. I kid you not!

You have to admit… he has a sexy asschin.

We can finally rest tonight, Earth. Science has finally broken through the barrier in the hard-fought battle against imagination! Now no woman will go to bed having to worry about whether or not her version of Christian Grey, the one she thinks about when she’s having sex with her husband/boyfriend/vibrator, is scientifically accurate or not. Dr. Skelton apparently quizzed twelve women who read the book on what they thought the fictional lead looked like. A whole dozen women and one expensive version of police sketch artist software later, the world was given the very first glimpse of what science has determined to be the world’s steamiest fake person. That sounds more more like a dozen shades of sad than fifty shades of anything if you ask me.

It is alternately infuriating and depressing that time, and what was certainly University money, was used to fund such a ridiculous study. I thought we had it bad in the States, but its great to know that the chaps in the UK are just as wasteful with not only money but time and resources in studying such pointless things as….(deep breath)….FIGURING OUT WHAT A FICTIONAL F&$^@KING CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE!!!!

The results of the study were shocking! The descriptions of Grey from the twelve-woman focus group ranged from “Patrick Dempsey’s eyes” to “Brad Pitt’s jaw” to a virtual smorgasbord of body parts from other actors and celebrities the like of Johnny Depp, Channing Tatum, and David Beckham. Oddly, not one woman picked Patton Oswalt’s nose or Henry Winkler’s thumb.

It’s like James Dean had sex with Miss Piggy

You want to know a cheap, easy way of figuring out what he would have looked like if Christian Grey was real? How about asking the goddamn author!?! You know, the one who originally wrote the book as Twilight fan fiction porn and then just changed Edward and Bella’s names to Christian and Ana. And yes, I’m being 100% serious! E.L James originally wrote “Master of the Universe” under the brilliant pen name of Snowqueens Icedragon, and it was about everyone’s favorite sparkly vampire and his love affair with the world’s most famous Mary-Sue character. But when it got too sexy for Twi-hards, E.L. James went and masterfully used the find/replace function and — voila! — created Fifty Shades of Grey! (For more on the history of how Master of the Universe became “Fitty Shades” check out Jason Boog’s excellent article on Galleycat )

So here’s a thought. We could have saved a crap ton of money and time and science and just slapped up a picture of that muppet-turned-heartthrob, Robert Pattinson and called it a day. After all, isn’t that who Snowqu– whoops…sorry — who E.L. James had in mind all along?

But instead we had to go and waste precious Science. We had to put aside time and interview a dozen women and ask them important questions such as “What shape are his eyes?” and “Whose pecs does he have?”

And isn’t that what science is really about? Finding out what imaginary characters look like? I mean, who needs a cure for leukemia. Let’s turn our attention instead to finding out the probability that Carmen Sandiego is in Guadalajara instead of Tokyo. Who needs advancements in space travel when we are better off using valuable resources to help determine how many midichlorians it takes to infuse a Padawan with The Force.

Now if you’re excuse me I’m about to go start up a Kickstarter campaign to fund a research project on determining whether Mary Jane Watson or Gwen Stacy is better in bed. For Science!

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Unless you were lucky enough to miss it on any of the major media outlets over the last few days (television, print and online), tech-savvy news watchers were warned at the top of every newscast about how Monday, July 9th was going to be “Internet Doomsday” or “Malware Monday” or some other horrifying sounding event that was going to cripple society as we know it.

Or something like that.

Is your computer sick? If so, consider yourself a 0.0017%er!

Let’s look at the facts: Back in November the FBI found out that a number of hackers created something called Operation Ghost Click, which was basically a scam that uses something called a DNSChanger to reroute the Internet browsing of infecting computers to the wrong websites. So if your computer was infected and you went to type in the web address for ESPN.com, for example, you’d end up going to another site instead that downloads additional malware onto your computer or steals your information and generates money for these hackers.

When the FBI found out about this and shut down the hackers’ operation, they also realized that any infected users who didn’t know about it would no longer have access to the Internet, so what they did was continue to run backup servers on which infected computers could still function and surf the Web.

On Monday, the FBI was turning off those servers, which was going to leave upwards of 42,000 infected computers in the United States without the ability to get onto the Internet, which translates – of course – into INTERNET DOOMSDAY!!!1!1ONE1!!!

Wait. Let’s crunch some numbers here.

Doomsday! Enemy to Superman AND Internet Porn.

Four million computers were originally infected worldwide and since November only a mere 95% of them have been cleaned up. Out of an estimated 245 Million Internet users in the United States, 42,000 of them were going to be without the opportunity to look up porn this morning when they turned on their computers. That means there were going to be approximately 0.0017% of people were going to be left with a severe case of blue balls thanks to Internet Doomsday.

Curse you, international hackers!!!

But wait a minute — let’s not fall so quickly for the media’s Chicken Little approach and put some of this into perspective before we run out for duct tape and bottled water.

Here is a list of some things that are affecting more than 42,000 Americans when they woke up this morning.

26.3 Million American people woke up living below the poverty line.
62.5 Million Americans woke up today with cavities
16 Million American children woke up hungry today without any promise of food
12.7 Million Americans woke up today without a job
11 Million Americans woke up today battling some form of Cancer
6.5 Million Americans are going to be subjected to Chris Berman broadcasting the MLB Home Run Derby
2.5 Million Americans woke up today with a gambling addiction
1.73 Million Americans will get on a plane today
70,000 people just in New Jersey lost power on 4th of July weekend due to severe weather
42,500 American girls between the ages of 15-19 are giving birth today

Now that we have some numbers to compare against, do you really think it’s a good idea to pay so much attention to something that affects only 0.0017% of Americans and can be fixed with a simple installation of anti-virus software?

Good. Glad you agree.

Now the media can return to more pressing matters, such as which celebrity athlete the new Kardashian baby is going to be dating in 19 years.

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